Thursday, July 24, 2008

Buying and Giving up a rabbit turned out to be more than I bargained for….

I had an impulse purchase yesterday and it was very bad. It wasn’t like the over priced red Dolce & Gabbanna sunglass splurge that I did while waiting in the airport because it matched my favorite pair of shoes… I bought another rabbit; a brown & caramel lop eared baby rabbit to be exact. Corey specifically said to me, as I walked out the door to the pet store to purchase items for Sachi (our current rabbit), “Kelly, DON’T buy another rabbit.” I don’t know if its because the hubby said ‘no’ or because she stole my heart when she licked my hand (an old trick my previous rabbit Keihi use to do to get what he wanted), but I had to have her.

Liam was beyond thrilled to buy this baby rabbit and bring her home. Once we got home, I found it strange that I wasn’t as excited with her as I thought I would be but I quickly brushed the thought aside because my two year old was running around the kitchen screaming “I’m HUNGRY! I wanna EAT Mommy!”

After feeding, bathing, and putting the little rugrat to bed, I came back downstairs to take care of the rabbits. Sachi was not happy with her new neighbor. I had no idea bonding rabbits were going to be a challenge. I’ve always considered my rabbit a friendly animal, so it totally threw me to see Sachi throw a tantrum in her cage similar to a 2 year old child. She kicked up her litter, thrashed her toys around in her cage, and stomped loudly. It was clear she was not smitten by the doe eyed baby rabbit.

Even though I purchased the brown & caramel rabbit, she didn’t really feel like she was mine. I didn’t even get a chance to name her. Upon a reasoning discussion with the hubby, I decided to take the rabbit back the next morning.

The next morning comes. I carefully pack the bunny in the cardboard box she came in and head to the pet store. The shop didn’t open for another 10 minutes. I decided to get my last cuddles in with this rabbit before I returned her. As I’m petting her in my lap, she forms into a ball with her fur puffed out. I start talking to her (yes, I talk to animals, don’t you?) and apologizing for her traumatic overnight experience and that she deserves a better home with the possibility of being purchased with one of her siblings. Then all of a sudden, a thought hits me like a three car impact. I impulsively purchased this rabbit to fill the gapping whole in my heart…my desire to have another child. I’ve been in major denial because we’re having a hard time conceiving again (no surprise), so I’ve been acting like it’s not a big deal; that I accept it will happen when the time is right. But I never fully realized the desire until I had to give up the baby rabbit today.

It brought me back to the moment I purchased Sachi almost three years ago. We’ve been desperately trying to conceive with no luck and when I met Sachi, I felt she was going to fill the whole in my heart of wanting my own child. She did for the first two months, and then I got pregnant with Liam. Who knew? But now that I have a child of my own, I realize that no rabbit can really fill that deep desire I yearn for. This explains why I wasn’t as happy as I thought I would be with the purchase of this adorable baby rabbit. Buying both rabbits gave ME the power to have “babies”. In both situations, I needed to have that control, even though the universe is telling me “no babies for you”.

I brought the baby bunny into the pet store once it opened. I stuck around for a little while to make sure her peeps didn’t hate her for leaving. I got a good sign from a fellow brother rabbit when he hopped over to groom her while she gobbled down the food they provided. It warmed my heart. Once I left the store, I knew I did the right thing for her. But now, I feel like I’m walking around with a big fat dark cloud that is pouring cold bitter rain over my head because I’m having to face the raw emotions of not being in control of my childbearing destiny and I may never be …which is more than what I bargained for today.

1 comment:

Jodie said...

Hugs... I remember how hard it can be to want a baby so badly and not be successful in getting pregnant. I am sending you positive thoughts and strength to hang in there and keep trying.